Feisty Flagellation Fun

So as Madam Kata points out in her latest rant filled (not that there is anything wrong with that) reply, there was at least one notable event during my most recent block of unaccounted time. Eye witnesses support her claim that I (mis)played several games of scrabble with her, Peggy and Candice over the weekend. Ear witnesses do not seem to support my claim that strange voices from beyond controlled my actions during this time. We can all agree that something odd was going on though. For one, Candice was there and playing scrabble. I was pretty sure she had quit scrabble and taken up extreme bowling or some other pursuit that played to her strengths (such as well... strength). Secondly, on a fateful challenge in a close game between Madam Kata and the Crimson Commando herself, I was asked to adjudicate a play. Well I was actually asked "Hey quit staring into space and look up this word!" but adjudicate sounds cooler. The word in question was "sudsing". Apparently, this is something people do with "shampoo" when they "bathe" to get "clean". I am not really familiar with this specialized jargon, but I have been told its "big in Japan". So I checked the official word list and then checked again. I didn't see it. I remember being blinded with rage over a recent defeat at Madam Kata's deadly hands, but I am sure that has no bearing on my decision to utter "Definitely not good." and then slink away into the shadows while cackling maniacally... This had a huge swing on the game and Candice was able to turn certain defeat into a narrow victory over the Asian sensation. When Madam Kata looked up the word herself and saw that it was good I learned two new things about my future: I no longer was allowed to "do business" with her "learned colleagues" ( I guess a preferred customer card doesn't mean as much as it used to) and furthermore, I would soon lose the ability to "do business" with anyone, ever. So to save the world from a future depressingly devoid of little Professor P's, I have come up with a last ditch effort to save myself in true ScrabbleDuck style. I have devised a short list (arbitrarily numbered for your convenience) of true-ish embarrassing "facts" concerning me and scrabble. Hopefully, this emasculating experience will assuage Madame Kata's wrath (at least until I can safely disappear back into the seedy underworld from whence I came).

1) I can not sit with my back to a large window or door while playing. I keep telling people it is because of assassins (and there certainly is a large enough bounty on me) but, I doubt that the direction I am facing is going to have much impact on a soulless sniper. I did do some research to see if there is some genetic basic for this particular quirk of mine. The closest I found was a distant ancestor who was shot in the back in Virgina in 1780. He was running away from British people with guns in some sort of revolution (running away from people with guns doesn't seem that "revolutionary" to me, but maybe he was doing it in a particularly fancy way). There was no window or door involved though since it was in the middle of a forest. Further evidence against the hereditary theory comes from the lack of the behavior in my father or brother or any other family member, really except for crazy uncle Eddie and he's well, you know.............adopted.

2) I take a small cute duck with me to play scrabble in events several states away I have to pay to enter. I'm still not sure that some of you reading this have quite figured that out yet.

3) I use performance enhancing steroids when I play scrabble online (its a little too obvious when I inject myself in the middle of a tournament game). Seriously though, the Internet Scrabble Club or ISC is many things to many people. About the only thing we can all agree on is that the insulting and rude "helpers" are a serious problem (well everyone agrees but sadomasochist Pete and I can't stand him). One of the biggest ongoing debates is the use of outside aids during games. Some people feel that nothing should be allowed whatsoever and have gone so far as to sign something called a fair play agreement (we'll come back to this in a minute). Some feel that some things are ok, like a dictionary or a list of all the 2 letter words. Others have decided to use various programs or devices because they don't care and/or they believe others are doing the same anyways. I have no idea what the percentages are like, but I can attest that there are multiple people I have personally seen use outside aids during their games despite having signed the fair play agreement. I am not sure what exactly this accomplishes other than ticking people off., but it seems a popular choice somedays. Anyways, my deep dark secret is that I am one of the people who uses outside help during my games. I have not signed the agreement and do not plan to do so. To the best of my knowledge, there are no tournaments or anything that involves money changing hands over the outcome of a game on ISC. Since it is "for fun" I have chosen to use it as a tool to learn many new words I would not have otherwise. In most games, the best way to get better is to play with people who are better than you. To do that on ISC you have to first get a rating that is higher than your ability level so that the better people will play you. My rating is now high enough that I can play against national champions and see words and strategies I never would have otherwise. My opponents, meanwhile, got a new opponent that they would not have access to otherwise. I do not see who the victim is here. Please comment in the forums if there is something I have missed though.

4) I am "somewhat" tangential and long winded (see #3 on this "short" list).

5) The color of the tiles, clock, rack and board make it substantially harder or easier for me to play. Pink clocks make me feel like a sissy and I start trying to play overly masculine words like "smash" and "impregnate". I carry my own rack with me (all black with the logo scraped off). I spent hours deciding what were the most soothing tiles to play: cerulean blue (and I will give a cookie to anyone that knows what that is a reference to). I am also saving up to get a custom made board with optimum shading, contrast and embedded images.

I hope this look into my shattered psyche shows that further action is unnecessary, Madam Kata. I also promise to look further into this "sudsing" phenomenon and perhaps even try "lathering" and "rinsing" myself someday (though I am sure that once will be quite enough). Join me next time when I start my 10 day countdown to Scrabble Nationals and/ or I impersonate an inebriated blatherskite.